Feeling Racist Toward Asians? Here are 9 Ways to Insult Bats
There has been an increase in anti-Asian sentiment since the spread of the new coronavirus aka COVID-19, which originated in Wuhan, China (unlucky day for them.) Our president is planting seeds of misdirected blame by calling it the “Chinese virus,” which is a misnomer.
But Chinese people — or anyone who looks Chinese to you — is not at fault because any human can contract or spread the coronavirus. And it could have made it’s debut in any part of the world.
COVID-19 is a really a zoonotic disease — a virus, bacteria, parasite, or fungi that is passed from an animal to a human. Turns out, COVID-19 was transferred from bats to humans, possibly by an intermediate host animal. The latest reports say it could have been a pangolin. (I’ve never heard of a pangolin, but I looked them up and they’re pretty scaly, so it might be hard to “get under their skin”). Other disease pandemics such as Ebola, SARS, MERS, and Nipah have been traced back to bats as well.
So, if you are looking to point the finger, you should channel your hatred (aka supressed fear) toward bats! They have waaay more differences than you can find within the human races, so they’re a perfect target. Plus, it’s all their fault.
If you see a brown-nosed bat and his wife buying toilet paper at Walmart, be prepared with the animal equivalent of racial slurs, stereotypes, and bullying comments.
The cure for ignorance is science, so as you read each fact-based insult, take a deep breath in, and as you exhale feel the stupidity being detoxified from your body…
1. Watch out for that owl! Psyyych.
Owls are no joke. They’ll snap up a bat real quick along with other birds of prey such as hawks and falcons. Or for an existential threat, your cat’s Instagram feed works well.
2. Insomniac! Go to Sleep.
Our safest time of day is when the sun is up, but the opposite is true for bats. When most of their enemies doze off, nocturnal bats are free to begin the hunt for bugs, blood, or pollen. Personified, I imagine they break night to watch versions of Batman, ranking them from worst to best.
3. You f@%&ing flying rat!
If you really want to piss a bat off, tell her she’s nothing more than a rodent. There are 1,200 types of bats and they are classified by the order Chiroptera. Rodents are in a whole other order, called Rodentia with 2,050 species. According to Encyclopedia Britannica, “…recent genome analysis has classified them in a superorder that includes animals such as pangolins and whales.” There’s that darn pangolin again.
4. Go hang yourself (upside-down)!
When it’s time for a flying bat to rest, he pulls one wing close to his body during flight — relying on inertia — which flips him over to hang upside-down on a cave ceiling or tree branch.
5. Fake-ass bird!
Bats are the only mammals that can sustain flight, but most of them are unable to take off from the ground as birds can. They cling to branches and cave ceilings, and when they’re ready to fly, they let go and take advantage of momentum. Birds and bats do have one things in common: they can serve as a “reservoir” for diseases, which means they can carry a virus without experiencing symptoms.
6. I hope you choke on a flower!
Similar to hummingbirds, some bat species dine on the nectar of flowers, pollinating many plants species. Without the help of bats’ furry faces, we might not have avocados, mangoes, cacao, and agave. I guess they’re not all that bad.
7. Blood-sucking freak!
People that drink blood never gets old thanks to the folklore surrounding vampire bats, which actually prey on the blood of sleeping animals. Using heat sensors in their noses, they can find blood vessels close to the surface of the skin.
8. Watch where you’re going. Are you blind?!
Even bats aren’t as blind as a bat. Bats can see, but they rely heavily on their ears at night, using echolocation to determine the coordinates of prey.
9. Glitter-shit! Twinkle-turd! Sparkly-poop MFer!
Word pairings I thought I’d never see. It’s true, many bat species get their nutrition from insects with exoskeletons made of chitin, which appears sparkly in poop. Fun fact: Up until WWI, bat caves were harvested for guano (dried bat droppings) to make gun powder.
OK, so it turns out bats are pretty cool creatures and we kind of need them. But by now, the facts should have replaced your racism. Just in case a trace of your ignorance remains, repeat the mantra “bat disease, bat disease, bat disease” whenever you encounter a Chinese person.